Thursday, December 27, 2012

Mom, you look sick.

This morning I woke up with Allergies and Asthma.  I sounded, according to one of my favorite people, "like a guy".  Thanks, thanks a lot.  After I got the news I sounded sick and manly then I got this from my oldest monster:

Zach:  Mom, you don't just sound sick, you look sick.

Me:  I don't feel sick.

Zach:  Yeah, well you look it.  Your eyes are all red and groggy looking.

Me: Thanks a lot brat.

Zach:  Well, maybe you aren't sick you just haven't had any coffee yet.  Yeah that's it, no coffee makes mommy look, sound and act bad but not feel bad.

Well, at least he's learning early the signs and symptoms of caffeine deprivation.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I am not the only one who has to say strange things to their kids.

Over the last few days I have received a few text messages reminding me that girls can be just as bad as boys and I am not the only mom who has to say ridiculous things to my children.

For example I got a text from one of my dear friends the other day that went like this:

F: Blog this:
 Daughter 2 says to Daughter 1: Can I pick your scab?
D1: No! If you do I will squeeze your nipple!
F: Do not pick any ones scabs or squeeze any ones nipples!

Easier for me to blog and save the innocent and expose that hysterical conversation.  Really who picks other scabs!  I will just be grateful Corbin wasn't in the car with them or he would be trying to pick the scab from the burn I sustained while baking cookies. 

Example 2:

Daughter 3 says to another friend:
"I'm gunna color Elmo's balls pink"

(Elmo is playing with marbles.)

So I will be thankful that I am not alone, that I can blog to let out others conversations and give everyone a good giggle and I will keep looking for the laughter in everyday occurrence's.  The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache!

Merry Barf-Mas!

Never a dull moment in our household.

Yesterday I got an almost gleeful text from Zach, who still had a sleepover hangover from his birthday party that went something like this:

Corbin's not feeling so well.

Me:  What's wrong with him?

Z: He just puked. :-)

Me:  Darn it!

Z:  We were in the car.

Me: Oh yuck.

Z:  We are going back to dads house now.

Me: Okay then.

Z:  I'm glad I'm sitting in the Back

Me:  Nice.

Then I hear from his dad.

Corbin puked in the car.

Me:  Sorry.  He was fine when I dropped him off.

D:  Yeah, I took it seriously when the puke hit the back of my neck in the drivers seat.

Me:  I'm sorry there is no way I cannot laugh at that, excuse me for a moment while I regain my composure.  Never mind composure is not going to come back. (I laughed so hard I started crying.)

D:  Yeah...I got that...Thanks.

Me:  Well, Merry Barf-mas!  (Hey, I got to deal with the puking all morning long so fair is fair.)

Corbin is feeling better now.  He got up after a little rest and started putting his Lego's together and eating skittles.  Could be worse at least now his puke won't taste as bad and he'll barf up a rainbow!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I need an elf reminder.

You know all the traditions people pass on to you like they are so wonderful.  Well, I have to say that next time I think I will pass.  Being a single parent makes all these traditions a little more difficult to make happen. What am I talking about? The Elf on the Shelf.  I hate the Elf. I can't remember to move him every night, you would think its just a little Elf how hard could it be?

Hard enough that even though I am writing about what the boys dad calls the "little nark", I won't move him tonight either.  He will remain on the picture in the hallway till I put him away, maybe if I remember on Christmas day.

I need a reminder put on my phone that goes off at 9:30pm every night to remind me to move the little bugger before the kids think that they are really bad.  You know in the story it says he won't go back to Santa at night if they are naughty(okay so I added that part one year when they were being really naughty).  If they weren't already in therapy I'd say this would be another cause for therapy later in life, but since they have already been in therapy that will just extend my bills.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Cookies, Cookies Everywhere!?

The other day I was talking with my mom and the conversation turned to cookies as it does most years around this time. 

Mom:  I really want to make some cookies but I don't want to eat any and I don't want them at my house.

Me:  Okay. (Do I tell her I planned on making some cookies or do I say no way we are so not doing that!)  Well I was planning on making a few this year but probably not more than 5 different kinds.(I'm a sucker!)

Mom:  Okay great!  I will go to the store and get all the stuff you will need and start today!

Me:  Mom, I have all the stuff I need.

Mom:  No, you don't.

Me: Yes mom, okay. (I have learned over the years its easier not to fight her and just go with whatever it is she wants to do and clean up later.)

I got home from my clients that day and found 3 things. 

1.  My kitchen was destroyed to the point I though I might need a shop vac to clean it up.
2.  My mother had finished 3 types of cookies cooked all the way.
3.  She left 12 cookie dough packages in my fridge, ready and waiting to be baked whenever I was.....

Today, I got through 3 different types.  I baked over 150 cookies today, burned my arm once, and now I have to clean my kitchen again.  Can I go to bed now?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Mom...You look like an Elf.

This is what I get for trying to help someone out.  I took my mom to go get her base make up color changed...Well I told her we were going to get mine changed which I did too but that's besides the fact.  So, I got the whole make up thing done. When I got home the boys dad was at the house watching them and he looked at me funny, apparently deciding that it was a better choice to keep his mouth shut than to say anything....Good choice.  Then the almost twelve year old arrived home from Roseville Theater Arts Academy (like the plug for our favorite theater company?  Wait till you see the one for our karate studio (Marinoble's Granite Bay) your gonna love it!) and he looked at me for a few seconds:


Yes Zach.

What did you do to your face?

What do you mean? I just have make up on.

Then his dad chimed in with "Yeah, I thought that looked like a lot of make up for you.  You don't need that much." (Oh did he save his silly self from a wrath by adding that last line.)

No, mom (laughing) you look like an elf!


Here's the picture he took....You I me or am I an elf...Brings up the Muppet's movie song to me "Am I a man or am I a Muppet."  Okay, I know I think I have watched that movie one too many times since its been on Stars on demand for the last month.

Oh and don't judge my by my crazy refrigerator.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I was just looking to help the sick child to rest easy.

The other day I was in Sunflowers looking for a benydryl type substance to help my littest guy with his cold and help him getting so sleep. 

I found this:

Hey how can you go wrong with "Quiet Time" for kids???  Really! Isn't that what every parent desires after a long day?

Don't worry the "organic gluten-free alcohol of 10% is really good for them....Don't you remember your parents feeding you homemade brandy on the occasion that you had driven them so crazy it was that or they were going to throw you from the second story of your house.....No?  Must have just been my house. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Do you want one Mommy?

My mom had the kids over for the night on Saturday.  You can only guess what she bought them....Doughnuts!  What else could it be?  (Not rabbits, I will be grateful.)

This morning Adam came into the living room where I was working on his brothers computer:

A:  Mom do you want a doughnut?

Me:  No thank you honey.

A:  Okay mommy. 
He walks out of the room and back in again.  This time he was carrying two doughnuts, one chocolate and the other powdered sugar.

A:  Here you go Mommy!

Me:  I though I told you I didn't want one honey.

A:  That's why I brought you two!  So you could have one of each!

Me:  Why do I need to eat one of each?

A:  Cause!!! They are delicious!!!!

I ate the doughnuts.  Though not usually my thing.  They were delicious because that boy gave them to me and he giggled and smiled the whole time I ate them.  Little turkey!

Out of order and Santa....Sigh.

A warning sign of things to come for the week....I think so.
I think I'm going to use this on my Facebook page when I'm having a bad day.  I would like to be out of order too.  Unfortunately that isn't possible being the homeschooling, full time working, mom of three but hey everyone has to have their goals.
Then we went to see Santa.  Nothing like taking a 12 year old to see Santa.  Really?  No the four year old was the problem.  Really mom you want me to sit in that strange mans lap?  Okay but I'm not going to like it.....My brother is going to let him know for me too.
That's right Corbin! Give him the bird for me would ya? 

I am going to use this as our Christmas card this year if I ever get around to sending some out.  I may just need to photo shop the claw in there instead of the bird though....

Ah and to top the end of the week off here is one of my favorites:

C: Mom no one messes with my friends or me.

Me:  That's right.

A: Mom, you mess with everyone.....

Who's idea was it to teach that child to talk?


Sunday, December 2, 2012

There can be accidents on Wednesdays....Or Thursdays

Sitting in my office with a client the door opens and in pops Corbin's cute little face.


Yes love, I'm working right now please ask your brother for help.

Mom, accidents can happen on Wednesdays.

What did you do?

Client: Its Thursday.

Well they can happen on Wednesdays ........or Thursdays.

He hands me a plastic piece.  What this piece of plastic belongs to I have no idea. Then he runs out and over his shoulder he says again:

Sorry mom, accidents do happen on Wednesdays or Thursdays.

That kid is going to be the end of me someday.  I'm going to die laughing.  Fortunately I have very understanding clients who don't think much about my kids walking in my office while I'm working.  He had her in tears laughing too.  Silly boy.

Broines, Ponies, Santa and the Easter Bunny....Oh my

Sitting here watching movies with two preteens and one teen I get my best education ever. For example tonight I learned that one, the boys still can't say the word sex.  It has to be spelled.  I'll thank god for small favors.  I also learned a little more about Bronies and Ponies.  I'm slightly disturbed.  Really?  My Little Pony fans who are over the age of 13?  Bronies are the boys and Ponies are the girls.  Seriously, come on now there has to be better cartoons you could watch.  Really I believe Bevis and Butthead might be slightly more tolerable to watching ponies run around.  How about the other good old stand by Ren and Stimpy or the Animaniacs anything other than that show if you have a choice.

My next lesson of the evening.....Santa and the Easter Bunny.  Do they exist? 

Child 1: Really,"Mommy why can't I get the nice toys the other kids get?  Cause Santa only brings the nice toys to the rich kids."  (I have no words.  He had a point for sure.)  Or how about this one..."Mommy, why are there Santa's in every single mall?" 

Me:  Oh that one I can explain, elves. Oh and I can prove there is a Santa.
Child 1 rolls his eyes at me and children 2 and three chime in.

Zach: Yeah well I still believe in Santa.  But the Easter Bunny...That's my grandmother, she's the crazy Easter Bunny.

Children 1 and 2:  Yeah she is and she is the Easter Bunny.

Child 2: Ms. Flamik, Ms. Flamik, you know what?  Know What?


Child 2: You know how I know there is a Santa?

How is that dear?

Child 2: Cause I know my mom would never spend $120 on me.  And my dad? He thinks I need to grow out of Lego's already so he wouldn't buy them for me.  So since I get them for Christmas there has to be a Santa Clause.

At this point I lost it and told them to be quiet and watch their movie.  Apparently these 3 want to talk their entire way through the movie.  I'm all for snarkie comments during a movie but really a conversation that has nothing to do with the movie is not my thing.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

She's Old and Cranky

The other day we were working on language arts...yes I actually sometimes make my children do worksheets.  ;-)  Corbin was asked to write about something old....

Me: Corbin, what is something old?

C:  Grandmother Cacu. 

Me:  Maybe we should think of something else that is old.

C:  No, she says she is ancient and I think that's pretty much as old as you can get. (I can't control my laughter at this point so I told him to go ahead and write his sentence.)

 He wrote....Cacu is very old.

This morning I have extra children in my house (nothing new there) my mom had come over to take them to their classes since my back is still out and well.....I want to go see the new Twilight movie on $5.00 day so I don't have to pay 10.75 for the leather seats and a bad movie.  The conversation went like this:

Mom: Boys get your shoes on!

Boys:  Grumble Grumble, yeah we're working on it.

Me:  Stop messing with your grandmother....she's old and cranky this morning.

C:  Yeah she's old...

Mom:  Corbin, did you say I was old?


Z: You tell us all the time that you are old...What did you expect him to say?

C:  You're cranky and very old.

Mom:  You little brat!  Get in the car!

F:  Ms. Flamik....does having hot flashes everyday mean you are old? (I almost spit my coffee out.  I actually had to go to the sink before I choked on it.) I mean really that's what my mom says.

Me:  Get your shoes on and go to class!  All of you!

Really it is her own fault for telling the boys she's old....Hee Hee.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Kill the baby?

Sitting in the living room, the boys dad and I were discussing plans for the upcoming week.  From the front room we hear Zach and friend skyping with another friend......

F: Kill the Baby!!!
Z: I'm trying!  He keeps getting away!
SF: Hurry up and kill him!
F:  Yeah Kill the baby!

The boys dad looks to the room and says:

What in the world are you guys doing?  Did I just hear you say kill the baby?  What are you playing??

F:  Yeah I said kill the baby Mr. Flamik.
D: Why?
F: Oh cause that's the guys call sign baby something on Mine Craft.
Z:  Yeah dad, we are killing a guy who is creeping on us in the Hunger Games version of Mine Craft. 
F:  Yeah we aren't killing real baby's...That would be wrong, unless they were creepers, then we would totally kill them.
D:  Okay then..(shaking his head and chuckling)
Me:  I am so blogging this.
D:  I figured.....

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Careful what you pray for.....

One of my BFF's has been hoping and praying to be blessed with another child.  She loves children is fantastic with them and is such a great mommy. 

My children and I decided that she didn't just need one more baby we thought two would be quite lovely. So for the past almost year we have been praying every single night that Auntie would have twins. (I have decided I will not make this prayer for others in the future....)

Yesterday, she got the news that they were going to be blessed with two little girls.....I haven't heard from her since except a text to say:

Definitely have our hands full!
Me: Guess this puts a damper on going to Vegas...LOL
Oh a wee bit!
Me: Darn!
Got to go can't talk anymore!
Me:  And it begins.  LOL

As I was sitting at home in the silence, with my back out, and my children at their fathers I realized that I had done a very mean thing to my friend.....I wished lots of babies upon her....I wonder if the thought that went through my head at that moment wasn't even worse....I bet now she'll get pregnant....With twins.  Guess we should be careful of what we pray for.....LOL

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Plungers are not toys!!!!

Talking to my mother on the phone this morning getting ready to have 10 plus kids in my house for the afternoon, I happen to look in on my child who has left the bathroom door completely open....We are working on this I promise.

No mom I don't have the kids for.......Corbin! Do not play with the plunger while sitting on the toilet!

Mom:  I'll let you go now.  (As she is giggling and trying not to let me know it!)

Why do these things always happen when I'm on the phone?  Sigh.  Hey at least I got the warning letter first.

Sorry I'm Closed Today

I found this sign on Corbin's door....I knew it was my warning sign of things to come. 
Later in the morning as I am driving there is a yelp from the back of the car. 
C:  Mom!  My leg is stuck!
So, get it unstuck. (I'm oh so helpful when driving, hey at least I'm paying attention to the road.)
C:  I can't!  HELP!!!!
I look back and see......His leg is twisted in his seat belt.  What in the world.  I am not even sure how he got his leg stuck and at that moment I wished Zach was in the car to take a picture and get his brother unstuck.  So I did the nest best thing.  I found a safe place to pull over got out of the car and took my picture.  Even though he didn't want me to.  The seat belt was wrapped around his leg and it was ratcheted so you couldn't pull it forward.  After calming him down I was able to get his leg out and continue on our way.  Hey, at least I got a warning sign that he was closed for the day.  Some days I just get side swiped.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Who cut the cheese.....Boys are disgusting.

This morning I overheard a conversation between Adam and Corbin it went something like this.

C:  Who cut the cheese?

A:  You.

C:  No!  Who cut the cheese?

A:  Your butt.

C:  Who cut the cheese?

A:  Its butt cheese.

C:  What kind?

A: Stinky butt cheese.

C:  That is correct.

I find myself at a loss for words, and running in the other room silently in hysterical laughter.  (Can't let them see my mind really never progressed beyond 13.)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween! (do not view if you are blood sensative, its just a little blood)

It is Halloween night and we love Halloween! When else can you knock on your neighbors doors and search their bowls for candy?  (For me I can always go visit my friend through the back gate and rummage through her candy, but usually that is not the norm.)

Today we managed to carve our pumpkins, make pumpkin pie with 10 kids, toast pumpkin seeds, make it to theater(a little late), and trick or treat. 

As we were walking down the street trick or treating we were stopped in the middle of the sidewalk by Adam bending over.

What's wrong?

Adam:  I'm bleeding.

Hummm there's trouble.

Adam:  Yeah, I need a tissue. (So I call back to my friends and ask them to visit the last house we were at, fortunately another friends, and get some tissue.)

F:  He's handling this so well!

Adam: Yeah, I get them all the time.  It's no big deal.

F: (laughing) Wow! That's a lot of blood. 

Well, it wouldn't be Halloween without a little blood on the streets now would it?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

And then?...And then?...

Adam:  Mommy, what are we doing today?

Me:  Taking Zach to the orthodontist.

Adam:  And then what?

Me:  Then we are cleaning the house.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  Then we are doing school work.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  Then we are going to the pumpkin patch.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  Then we are going horseback riding.

Adam: And then?

Me:  Then we are going to have dinner.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  Then we are going to take showers and get ready for bed.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  Then we are going to bed.

Adam:  And then?

Me:  No MORE and then!  Then we will be asleep!

Adam:  And then?

When did my life become a scene from "Dude Where's My Car?"!!!!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Okay! I give! Mess up fairy, vist someone else!

You know when they say God won't give you more than you can handle?  Yeah....I'm done.  Thanks so much no more please. 

It has been an extremely long week and it's still early!

From having neck pain all last week and the acupuncturist being unable to put a needle in my shoulder it was so tight, to having out of town guests show up unexpectedly, to my great uncle passing, to the glass table in the backyard shattering on my bare feet, to the dog, and then let me top my week with my all time favorite.....the toilet overflow! 

The neck is a little better, its what I get for trying to move too much furniture and having to pull my child from a horse that got spooked.  All is well there, just a little spasm nothing to worry about...(kinda like a flesh wound, no big deal.)

The guests are gone.

My Grandfather's older brother passed, sad but he was 96 or 97 and he was done.  He will be missed but he really is in a better place.  I'm sure making mischief with his brothers as I write.  The morning of his funeral it was raining, a lot!  I went outside to take all the umbrellas down and put them away.  As I was taking the one from the glass table I touched the side of the table and the whole thing came shattering down on my bare feet.  (I did not get one piece of glass from that in my foot.)  However, if my children have never heard me say a bad word before.....Well, they have now.  I didn't even get reprimanded by the oldest,
"Mom, do you need some help?"

"what gives you that idea?"

"Ummm, you said that word, and there is glass everywhere."

"You heard that?  The door was shut!"

"Yeah, we heard that, but I think maybe this situation was what that word was intended for."

"Yes, yes it was."
Tell me that was not worth one word.

After that the mess up fairy already had her hands dirty for the week, why not up the anti?!  The dog...I have complained about the dog before.  This will be the last complaint I can lodge.  The dog ran away the other night.  Now she has done this so many times you kinda think well, I spent 3 hours in the middle of the night looking for her, she'll turn up.  She turned up but not the way I wanted.  She was hit by a car and didn't make it.  She was a good dog, mostly, except for her escape artistry, attacking of other dogs, and general pain in my buttness.  She did, however, endure the stick of pens where pens don't belong, Corbin teething on her ears, and many other unmentionable incidents. 
The dog is the reason I discovered that the rumba could pick up dog poop, though really not all that effectively.  She is also responsible for tripping me and making me splash salsa all over the walls on new years eve when we lived in Salinas, just when one of the neighbors shot his gun off.  A little disturbing for all when the walls looked like they were covered in blood and the dog was licking them up. 

Ah, all the blogging opportunities are done for Matty dog. :-( Don't worry, there are plenty more opportunities out there, and I will find them and share them.

This is what a good friend gives you on a bad day.  A super sized iced mocha! 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Who chewed the walls??

Last week we played bedroom shuffle.  Here are the rules, first we move everything around and clean all the dust bunnies.  Then we make sure everyone in the house has a bed they will sleep in, preferably by themselves.  Then we finish cleaning with the help of outsiders since I injured myself moving boxing equipment. 

As we are working on the final room I notice something odd on the wall.  I get closer and see teeth marks done to the metal on the corner of the wall and that on the other side of that wall the paint is peeled away.  I look at my mother:

I wonder who did this....

Mom:  I don't.  CORBIN!!!!

C:  Yes? (after 5 minutes of ignoring us.)

Me:  Why did you bite the wall?

C:  Because I didn't like the color and wanted to change it.

Me:  Corbin do not bite walls!  Or furniture!  That is not how we change paint color!

C:  Okay mom, I promise.

Mom:  I can't say anything.  I used to eat paint when I was little....Before they changed from lead paint.

Me:  You do realize that explains a lot and I am so blogging this conversation!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I no longer have bad days....I have blog days.

You know its going to be a blog day when Corbin comes yelling into my room:

C: Mom!

Me(before my feet hit the cold floor of the morning or coffee): What?

C:  I have a plumbing issue!  (This is so not the way to start the morning!)

Me:  Okay then....
I get up and find the toilet is so clogged that it needs more than a plunger!  Thankfully our neighbors who moved away, a man who would come to my house and announce that Captain Camode was here to save the day, left me their toilet snake.  Even better, I come from a long line of plumbers, I can handle a little crap now and then.  I get the toilet unclogged and go to the kitchen to start coffee, then to the laundry room to start laundry when.....

C:  MOM!!!!!!!!

Me:  What honey?!?!?!?

C:  I have another plumbing issue!

What in the world did he do to the other toilet!?!?!??!?!?!?  Sigh...Okay.  I get the other toilet unplugged and take a shower.  I didn't say I liked dealing with plumbing, only that I wasn't afraid of plumbing issues.

Later today I get a text from my dear friend:

Did your day get better after your toilet-tastic morning?

Well I wouldn't call to day a bad day just a blog day.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Never a dull moment.

Today was co-op day.  Where a couple of moms get together, teach, and play.  Oh, we teach the kids too.

After co-op, I offered to take one of my friends daughters for the evening since she had an appointment. 

Leaving co-op was interesting.  As I carried the extra four year old from my friends house screaming her lungs out I paused and thought if anyone but my friends was watching...They were totally going to call CPS.  Fortunately for me, she didn't hit, kick, scratch, or bite me. (My kids would have)  I put her in the car and headed home.  I bribed her with cookies, popsicles and watching a movie.  All was calm again.

Later I had left the kids in Corbin's room and gone into the kitchen to clean up after dinner.  The kids eventually trailed in after me, you know they like to be in the same room but not interact with you unless you happen to be on the phone where then they insist that you have ignored them all day long and are a neglectful parent! 

Becoming bored with me since I got off the phone the following conversation occurred between the two four year old's:

A:  What you want to do?

F:  I don't know?  What do you want to do?   (here I am having Sponge Bob and Patrick flashbacks)

A:  I don't know what do you want to do?

F:  I know!

A:  What?

F:  Let's go watch Corbin pee again!

A:  Okay!

Me:  NO!!!!!!!  You many not watch Corbin pee!!!! Corbin!!!! Shut the bathroom door!!!!!

Then I sent the following texts:

OMG.  I just had to tell Adam and Friend they couldn't watch Corbin pee.  Apparently when I went in the kitchen they went in my room and watched Corbin pee.  They then said. "lets go watch again!  At which point I had to say you may not watch Corbin pee!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!(I don't think she will ever let me watch her children again!  Though she was laughing when she picked her up.)

I sent a text to some of my friends and got responses that varied from


Sweet!  Well not really but little kids are so much fun.

It is an event almost like a circus.

Another thing you never thought you'd have to say.  (which is why I had to blog it!)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Guns sound peaceful. Huh?

Driving again...I seem to do lots of driving to and from mainly...Karate.  We live there, I should put a cot, refrigerator, and a goody cabinet there and I would be set. 

Driving I hear from the back the DVD has gone to snow in the sound.

Friend:  I love the sound of the ocean.

Z:  Huh?  What are you talking about?

F:  You know the white noise its peaceful.

Z:  I think the sound of gun fire is peaceful.

Me & F:  WHAT?!?!?!?

Z:  You know cause guns are peacemakers.

Me:  Yeah....I'm pretty sure that's not a peaceful noise. 

Z:  You don't know mom.  It could be....You never know....

This from the child who was never allowed to have a gun to play with as a small child.  Ever.  I hate to say it but boys see something about guns once that's it your toast.  They then turn everything into guns, sticks, Lego's, math blocks.  I guess I should have thought before I said I will never let my kids play with guns.....Sigh. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Me know how to ignore my brother!

Corbin....That boy that boy.  Some days he can be my biggest challenge.  Today was one of those days.  He and his brothers kept fighting and annoying each other.  I felt like I needed to separate them all into their own velcro corners.  Mind, I don't have velcro corners in the house yet but they along with the suits for each of the children are a dream of mine.  Just stick them there for a nice long time out.  They can climb the walls and I can have a peaceful moment....Maybe... Okay not likely but like I said its a dream. 

Z:  Mom!  Corbin is driving us all crazy!

Me:  Okay, I will do my best to make him stop.

The long conversation with my C man ensues.  The results less than stellar.

Z: He's still doing it!

Me:  I don't know what to say.  Just ignore him.

Z:  Okay.

A:  Me know how to ignore him mommy! 

Me:  Really?

A:  Yeah.....Corbin! Corbin!  Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo!  Annoy, annoy, annoy, annoy.  See!

Me:  (laughing)  No honey that's annoy not ignore.

A:  It works too.  Makes him go away.

All I can do is shake my head.  Whatever works for you babe and doesn't get you hit.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Your car smells different......

Last week wespent a few days at my brothers.  So we did something we haven't done before.  I found myself at the car wash. My sister in law actually reads my Facebook posts and my blog(nice to be loved).... She read about needing shots to get in my car and decided I needed an intervention.  We took her kids to school and mine to the car wash.  (Trust me that was an education, in math, and science experiments gone wrong in my car.)  We got almost the whole shebang....they shampooed the seats, cleaned the spit art, vacuumed the floors.  This took quite some time to accomplish, my sisters truck was done almost 20 minutes before mine was....whoops, those guys earned their money!  When it was all done we got in and the seats were still wet.  The guys put plastic over them and we were off.

Me:  It smells funny in here.

Zach:  Its the smell of clean mom.

Me:  Nice...Brat.

Putting people in a car and driving around is always a way to have a conversation. They can't get away from you unless they jump when you slow down and unless they have a TV or some other electronics going they have nothing better to do....Well unless your my children who then think spit art on the windows is acceptable way to entertain themselves.  So two days later we were driving to karate with one of the boys friends in the car.

F:  Ms. Flamik....Your car smells different.

Me:  Yeah we got it cleaned.

Zach:  Can't you tell its the smell of clean? 

F:  I was wondering but I couldn't quite tell since I have never seen your car clean.

Zach:  Hummm....Me either.

Me:  I have cleaned the care before.

Zach:  No mom you emptied it you didn't clean it like those guys did.

Me:  Fine...

Then I turned up the radio and threatened them with the claw.  That usually stops all smack talk in the car. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

Another Black Eye??? Not again!

In the last 6 weeks Adam has received 3 black eyes.  Before you go calling CPS on me know that none of them were caused by an adult only one was from actual contact with another human being. 

The first of the black eyes occurred when Zach was doing his staff Kata in the back yard.  Adam came screaming into the house with this horrible mark on his eye and Zach came trailing in after him.

What happened?  (As I'm getting ice and wondering if I can get Adam to stop screaming and tell me what happened.)
Zach:  He walked into my staff.
Zach:  I was doing my Kata and he walked right into may staff.
Right so you were doing your Kata and he got close and you pushed your staff out right?
Zach:  Well, kinda.
Really?  Why?
Zach:  I didn't think he would walk into it I thought he would see I was working and would back up.
Apparently not.
Zach:  Sorry Adam.  (grrrr!)

Two weeks later, I'm having dinner with my friends who feel lucky they had their shots before they got into my car, I get a text message from the boys dad. 

Adam hit a wall....nice goose egg under his left eye.  (Again?! the same eye!)
Me:  Is he okay?  Does he want to talk to me?
He is ok...just another good shiner coming on.
Me:  Nice.

Then I got the picture.  Poor baby!

Me:  Who pushed him into the wall?
He just fell into it while playing
Me:  K..It looks awful.
Yeah.  It looks pretty nasty, but hasn't slowed him down any.
Me:  K

When they got home I asked Zach what happened.  They were playing and he dove to try and catch Zach and instead of catching Zach....He caught the wall.  I know this is my child now, he comes from a woman who can trip over a flat surface with bare feet.

We got home from our infamous Walmart trip today and we were exhausted. Me emotionally and sensory overload. Them the same. Makes us for not the best people to be around and probably not the most observant of our surroundings. Well at least me and Adam.  I walked into the kitchen to find him screaming and his eye, thankfully the right eye this time, turning purple.

I asked one of the kids what happened.

Well....He picked up the two liter of coke to put it away and he looked straight at the top of it and proceeded to shove it in his eye.

I had to ask and then text all my friends and got responses that varied from just "Nice", "stop abusing your child." to "Ouch!  he's your boy!"  Poor baby.  With this track record he's set to beat my all time number of black eyes.  My best was on parallel bars swinging forward and cracking my head on the second bar I had raccoon eyes for weeks.    At least I know he comes by it naturally. 

You did not just kick a man in Walmart?

I am usually a very tolerant person.  When my small child randomly kicks a passerby in a store, my tolerance is completely gone.  Today was one of those days.  I went to Walmart to pick up a bunch of different stuff from diapers for a baby shower to chlorine for my pool  Its the only place that carries everything or I would never go there, too much stimulation and distraction.  I also try not to talk on the phone there because I can't do both at the same time.  I just wonder aimlessly and feel dizzy.  Today I needed to find out what kind of diapers my friend like best so I was standing in the diaper isle making a quick call.  I turn around to find a man talking to my boys.  They were standing at the end of the isle waiting for me.  I was on the phone for two minutes. 

Zach....What was that about?

Zach:  Corbin just kicked that guy.


Zach:  Yeah, he just randomly kicked him!
What did he say to you?  (And why didn't he yell at me?  Or say something to me?  I was standing right there just picking up diapers!)

Zach:  He asked Corbin if he did it on purpose and Corbin did the Corbin thing where he looks everywhere and says no.  So I told him he had to say sorry, so he did and the man said I was a good boy.

Before I tell you the next thing, I have to say that man was so nice to accept Corbins appology and tell Zach he was a good boy. 

Now....I came unglued.  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!

Corbin:  I don't know I clotheslined him.

(I bent down and grabbed his little face not hard)  Look at me!  What you did was not okay!  You cannot randomly trip people, clothesline people or kick people!  Ever!!!!!  (Now this woman who has no idea what has just occurred and only sees me put my hands on his cheeks starts to say to me, you really shouldn't,  I just put my hand up.  I didn't even respond but stood up and walked away.  Really, you have no idea what I am dealing with, I'm not hurting him or I wouldn't do it in a store and if he doesn't look at me I know he isn't getting what I'm saying!)

Corbin:  Okay mom, I'll stop kicking strangers.

OH!   You better not do that ever again.  You are in so much trouble!  You just lost your Iron Man Costume for the day.

Corbin:  You're Fired!  (Oh goodie!  I got fired.....Again.)

Okay, see you later.

Corbin:  No, I'm sorry!  I quit! (How do I not laugh at my child quitting being my child.)

And that was our afternoon.  I'm tired.....Oh and its not still early!  Yay!!!!

Shoulders and Toes

We were in the drive through waiting for our turn when out of the blue I here from the back seat:

Corbin:  Adam.

Adam:  What?

Corbin:  Papa is watching me from this shoulder and Grandpa Charley is watching me from this shoulder.  (Mind you Corbin was never able to meet my father and Zachary only has a vague memory of him)

Adam:  What about Felix?(the cat)

Corbin:  He's licking my toes.

That cat did like to lick toes and then bite them.  Weird kitty.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

When did I become a napkin?

At dinner tonight, I was sitting with my boys eating some spaghetti and meatballs, talking about Mine Craft when:
Adam:  Mommy! Mommy!

Me:  What Adam?

The child proceeds to wipe his mouth and hands on my white tee shirt.  (Mind you I do not usually wear white for the specific reason I am a klutz and my children think I am their personal napkin.)  He starts giggling hysterically.

Me:  Why did you do that?

Adam:  Because your a napkin.

Me:  No I'm not!  (At this point all three of them are giggling.)

Adam:  Yes.  You are wearing white.

Me:  That does not make me a napkin!!!

Zach:  Well, you are wearing white and napkins are white.

Me:  NO!!!! That does not make me a napkin!

All three:  Yes, yes it does. 

I am so out numbered!  Apparently motherhood and wearing white will make me a personal napkin for my little darlings.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Your car makes me glad I have had all my shots.

A few weeks ago  I went  to see one of my dear friends before she left for a mission trip.   It was important to me that I see her before she left as she was going to Cambodia to work with children who are sold at night.  (Not easy work for anyone,  I couldn't do it without wanting to adopt them all and make sure the people responsible didn't go home.) We decided that we needed to have one last great dinner out before she left.   Of course since the people we were with were all tall we decided to take my truck.  

Taking my truck involves moving car seats and well kid junk and throwing trash away.  The process takes at least 10 minutes if the people you are traveling with don't mind stepping on junk.  If you have children,  you know you never ever turn a car seat upside down and to expect under the seat will be pretty messy.   In my car multiply the never ever by 12.  I  don't think about cleaning the car out till I have to drive someone who is not a child.   Then the panic begins.   I don't look back there, so I am painfully unaware of what it looks like.   I am no longer unaware.  

The process started with the removal of Adam's car seat.  Which I screamed when one of the people helping me tried to just turn it sideways and shove it in the back!  Don't do it!!!   I think the shock and total look of you are crazy crossed his face.  But, when turned upside down the dawning of why I didn't want it done that way occurred.  I don't even want to think about what fell out of that seat, ever.  After removing the car seat my friends husband looked and said I think I need the shop vac before we can even sit down.  (At this point my only defense is well no defense.  The last of my worries is how my car looks, I just don't care, I get in, I drive it where I need to go, I get out.)  The shop vac sucks up the majority of crap on the seat and we are off, and the commentary begins.

FH:  So, Ari, do you know your children are artists?

Me:  Ummm, why do you say that?

FH:  It appears they have been drawing on your windows.

Me:  WHAT?

FH:  Yeah, it looks like spit paintings on your back windows.   They are some talented spit artist's.  Maybe, there's some boogers in there too.

Me:  Oh gross! 

They taunted and teased me all the way to the restaurant where we proceeded to get out of the truck my friends husband looked down at his white shirt,

FH:  I wasn't this dirty when I got in the truck.

Me:  Yeah you were that was shop vac dirt.

FH:  I don't think so.  You know what I'm not going to think about this, I'm just glad I have had all my shots.

F:  Well, I'm still finishing with the Typhoid Shots but I have all the others.
Me:  Shut up!

Guess I need to get my truck detailed.  Sigh.  Whatever!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Mom, that really offeneded me.

When does an eight year old say "Mom, that really offended me."  Apparently when its my child and I have denied him candy. 

He got his revenge later this evening when we went to visit some friends.  Wait for it....

We were sitting on the back lawn chatting and having a picnic meal of Taco Bell and suddenly we hear a spraying noise. 

My friend screams "Ahhh!!!! the sprinklers are coming on!"

I grab my phone to keep it dry and proceed to get wet and try to get out of the middle of the lawn before my phone becomes saturated with water.  What do you think I hear now?  Laughter....of 6 children.  They are laughing at the moms mad dash from the lawn to the patio. 

See mom.  That's what happens when you tell me things I don't like. (These are the moments I am positive there is a God.  If there weren't, I would have thrown all my cool away long ago.)

Hummm, I don't think so honey.  This is what happens when we sit on our friends lawns at 7pm every time we come to their house.  (This was also the site of the last sprinkler incident.  I am not going to sit on their lawn anymore.  I always end up getting wet!)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Mom, really, I'm good.

I have said it before, I will say it again.  I don't hide the world from my kido's.  Even though the mother in me would like to cover them and protect them from the world at large.  I cannot.  My answer to this dilemma is to educate them when they learn new colorful sentence enhancers and new concepts. 

This was a week for new concepts.  Oh the joys!  While discussing issues of terrorism, depression, and other fun items, I suggested to my sweet lovey boy that if he needed to talk to someone else he could.  I began to list people who, 1. I trust and 2. I trust to tell me if its really bad.  I was cut short on my listing of people with:

Mom, really?  I don't need to talk to anyone else.  You give me plenty of information and always tell me everything!  Even when I don't want to know anymore.  I know that being informed and educated on these issues is a way to help me understand them and when someone uses or discusses things incorrectly I can recognize that they are not informed. And mom, girls are still gross!

(YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am so not ready for girls!) Oh and yeah, he's a smart one!

Monday, August 6, 2012

How many kids are in the car?

Getting in the car this morning Adam asked me:

Mommy, how many kids are in the car? One, two, three, four, five, six!

Me:  No baby I only have four kids in the car.

Zach:  No mom there are five.

Me:  What?

Zach:  I'm counting yooouuu too.

Me:  You can't count me as my own child.

Zach:  In alternate dimension you could.

Shaking my head.  Put your seat belts on.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

One E-mail you never like to get. "Possible Lice Problem"

I opened my email yesterday to find in my in box:

"Possible Lice Problem" in the header from the Jr. High Youth Group leader.  This is not a heading I want to see, like to see or ever really want to see again.  Inside the email is a very pleasant, Hey All, one of the campers found they had some lice.  Please have your children checked.  Wash all their stuff in hot water and so on.  Sorry for the bad news.  It should be fine though! (For you!  You don't have to check all these kids hair brush it out and make sure everything they touch gets washed in hot water!  Or listen to the whining when you are using a comb that would pull the smallest knot like it was a dreadlock.)

Bugs! I hate bugs especially ones that infest themselves in your home and have the potential to make my life very uncomfortable with my special guy who would come unglued if we had that problem in his hair.   I immediately look through the child's hair to make sure I see no critters or critter eggs!  YUCK!!!!  Then everything and I mean everything he had touched or went to camp went in the washer on extra hot with extra soap.  Did I mention I hate bugs?  Reminded me of having carpet beetles, they are why I don't have carpet in my home.(shiver, I hate those nasty little creatures) 

Amidst my freak out, I start hearing from my friends.  I'm not the only one on the edge here.  Thankfully I'm not having the biggest freakout.  According to my dear friend.  They had been planning another camp for their kids but were informed that there were special people at the camp who could not be exposed to head lice because they spread disease and should not be around people who have had cancer or other major surgeries, because head lice can kill you!  (Seriously?)  Okay I almost fell over laughing. 

You have to be kidding me! 
"No they totally believe that they can kill cancer, heart and transplant patients."
SWL(shaking with laughter)  Oh my,  I guess I know how to get out of going places now!  I have lice!  They will get you!!!
"This came from a nurse."
No.  No it didn't.
"It totally did!"
I'm not sure I want anyone in the medical profession touching me again anytime soon.
"I may need to start my own blog!  A medical alert blog for the stupid people who believe everything on wikipidia and YouTube."
I would totally read that.  But you know its going in mine.  I never thought I would have to say duh head lice won't kill you!
I have really never heard of head lice carrying diseases.  They are annoying, itchy and gross, but diseases.  Come on.  So before I decided to post this, I went to the center of disease control and a few other websites.  All of which state, "head lice do not carry disease and there has been NO research evidence to support that they do."  Lesson here, do your research before freaking out, why?  Really, so you don't get made fun of to the general public on a blog.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Your kid jumped from a 45 foot cliff....

I got my oldest boy back yesterday!  Yay!  He has been gone for a total of three weeks this summer at different camps and vacations.  I'm done.  He needs to stay home for a while.  When the little boys and I went to pick him up yesterday we couldn't get there fast enough.  I stalled them with a  trip to Target, Taco Bell, and then the I have to go to the bathrooms started so I went to my friends house to wait for my boy to get home. 

While waiting we thought having a picnic on the grass sounded like a great idea.  That's where we started, in the grass.  We ended up in the driveway when the sprinklers went off and we had to drag all our stuff from the grass to the driveway.  As a nice neighborhood lady was walking by trying not to laugh herself sick at my antics of grabbing as much stuff from the sprinkled area to the driveway while Adam screamed "hurry up mommy!!!"  Like I was really thrilled about getting soaking wet to save his taco. 

A few minutes later the vans started pulling up and out emerges 15 to 20 kids and parents.  Half of whom appear to be bathed in dirt and stink.  Ahh the joys of camp.  Our Jr. High Youth leader got out of the van came over and said "your son is awesome!  He jumped off a 45 foot cliff!"  That does not surprise me.  He is my child after all.  Fortunately everyone was so busy getting the cars unloaded and it was getting dark that no one noticed I was soaking wet.  :-)

My crazy child has bruises from rock climbing, paint ball, and jumping out of a raft to ride a rapid called baby rattlesnake free style, which apparently isn't that common.  When asked which camp he liked better this year, he said Kidder Creek all the way!(That was camps, when compared to his other vacation, he said they were about the same in being awesome and he'd do both again)  Thanks to all the parents and leaders for taking him!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Wake Up Mom! Go Back to Bed Mom!

This morning I was awakened by the Rooster of the family.  Since Corbin was little he has never required much sleep.  This can be problematic when I want to watch a show, work or anything else at night.  It happens to be much worse in the morning when he gets up at 5:30 and decides the rest of the family, dog included need to get out of bed.  This was one of those mornings.

C:  MOM!!!! MOM!!! MOM!!!!!

What? (whispered in that tone of whisper only a mother can have that says, someone better be dead.)



C:  Because I said so!

Corbin, I suggest if you do not need anything at the moment you go in your room, find a puzzle or a book and either put the puzzle together or read your book.

C:  Fine.....ADAM!!! GET UP!!


C:  Fine.....Get up mom.


At this point Adam is starting to sleep talk.  He is my child, he likes to snuggle in the morning and rest for just a little longer.

A:  Go to bed mama, I'm still tired.

That's my boy.

In the mean time I start hearing noises from the bathroom....Seriously?  What is he doing now?  I'm still tired!  It is 6:30 in the morning, a time I wish didn't exist, and I hear plunking noises.  Now I know that its not someone breaking in the house in which case I would call Corbin to me lock the doors and call the police.  (I have seen one too many horror movies in recent months)  I get up to find that Corbin is putting a puzzle together in the bathroom.

What are you doing?

C:  You told me to put a puzzle together.  There's better light in here...

Okay then....If I could have, I would have crawled back in bed at that moment.  Ah, but no once I am fully awake I am awake.  Rotten little rooster!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

It's really just a snack mom.....

Let me warn you before you start reading......WARNING you are reading a post by a mom who has had less than three hours sleep and is a little silly.....You have been warned.

Last night, while putting the kids to bed the little boys started asking for a snack.  Anything to get out of having to say our prayer and got to sleep right?  Right.  Since I needed to work last night I wasn't willing to play the games of I need a snack and some water and one more story. ( Please refer to Samuel Jacksons book...Go the bleep to sleep, as your reference for how I was feeling last night.)  I finally gave in when they asked if they could have a snack in the morning.  Sure, fine, whatever!  GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!  Oh, I really need to pay more attention to what they believe a snack is in the future.

Corbin woke up early this morning.

Mom, I want my snack now.

Me in my dazed I just went to bed 2 hours ago stupor.."Sure, get your snack."

Mom, you know it's not just a bar.

Me:  Okay.  (still mostly asleep)

Mom, you know it's not candy either.

Me:  Fine.

It's a bar.......and it has candy in it.  But it's not candy.  Its a candy bar mom and you know it's really just a snack mom.

In a sleep deprived moment, I said huh?  Fine go have your snack! 

That is how Corbin got a chocolate bar for breakfast.  Note to self make sure to be awake before telling children to go have their snacks that they have described in detail to make sure you know what they are eating so you can't yell later about them eating a candy bar for breakfast at 6 in the morning.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Performace Day! Yay!!! Its done!

Ah!  My favorite day!  Show day!  The day where it all comes together for better or for worse.  Not bad ladies and gentlemen, not bad!  It was quite fun and the kids did as expected.  No one licked, hit, bit, pushed anyone off stage or put their hands down their pants.  I call that a win!  There was lots of waving and smiles.  Happy parents, happy kids. 

After the show we picked up one of Zach's friends and went swimming.  Yay for my friends who invited us for swimming and dinner too!  I didn't have to cook!  On the way over to our friends the following conversation occurred.

Ms. Flamik???
Me:  Yes?

When you grow up and get old will you stop driving fast?

Me:  Did you just ask me about growing up and getting old?

Yeah and driving fast too.

Zach:  She will never stop driving fast.  That's why she can't have the Camaro she wants, she says she can't afford the tickets.  (Smart boy)  Oh, and she's never going to be old and drive slow...Have you seen my Grandmother?  (Oh that boy is so cute and brilliant.  Already knows how to skirt an issue and add a compliment....He will go far.)

Me: (laughing)  Ummmm What do you think?

Zach's right you're never going to grow up....Or drive slow.  (ROFLOL)

Friday, July 20, 2012

For my friend who still thinks this story is funny....BLAH!

I am reminded again tonight of the ridiculous experiences I tend to have in my life.  Some of my experiences seem pretty normal, I just am abnormal and laugh at them and some of them are so off the wall that even I stare in stunned silence at the insanity that either surrounds me or that I directly cause.  From children who lick trash cans at Great America, Krispy Kream sugar highs, and yes of course the notorious car accident I had last year. 

Last year I was in a car accident where both cars were totaled, no one was hurt except for our being humiliated at the situation.  This was brought up tonight due to the fact that the person in the car next to us was swerving into our lane due to texting.  Let me just say don't text while driving not everyone around you is paying attention, they are all texting too.  Sigh, and thus brings up the car accident. (My friend laughing hysterically at the whole incident, telling me I need to blog that one.)

I was driving to a moms meeting when I got a phone call from my friend who was going to the same meeting and she was lost.  I was using my headset, so I thought I was being safe. (Ha!)  I was also using my phone as a GPS.  Can you say multitasking while in the car is stupid?  My shoulder does now.  I get the call and am trying to tell my friend where the meeting is and I go through a very yellow light.  The car in the other intersection does not look in the intersection before entering it she just sees the green light and goes.  (How do I know this?  Because I was on the phone with her!)  I can't stop.  I am yelling at her to stop...because shes really going to know its me trying to hit her!

ME:  STOP!!! STOP !!
I just got hit!

ME:  I know I just hit you!!!

Your joking right?

ME:  No, I'm not joking.  I'm hanging up now. 

K bye!

We get the cars pulled over and the police show up.  Now mind you I think at this point we are delirious because we are laughing so hard.  The police show up push her car out of the way and then leave without siting either of us.  Why?  Because we are obviously friends and we both have insurance and they have better things to do than to sit with a bunch of women (by this point we have a few more moms from our group who had driven by  and stopped to make sure we were okay) who were laughing so hard at the stupidity of our situation.  Bless the cops for leaving.  I have to say my friend got a new car and a vacation out of the deal and I got my Suburban.  Really not the way to get new cars though.  Also, an accident like this...You can never ever live down, because no one ever can believed I actually hit my friend.  The good news, my friend and I are still friends and I bought her a GPS for her birthday, she doesn't call me and ask me for directions anymore.    

Bye bye Mercedes with no airbag.

Day 5...It is almost finished!

Ahh!  Day 5 of camp and I am ready to be tucked into bed for the next week.  Day five is always the stress day.  Do they have their lines memorized, can they get on stage without killing each other, do they know the songs????  The answer is yes and no.  Something this big means something will go wrong.  Someone will drop their lines, (this isn't Broadway darlings, this is Granite Springs Music and Drama camp) the kids will push each other getting on and off the stage, and while on the stage and they will all forget their songs.  I have found that when Sunday comes these kids pull off a miracle.  They can do it and if they forget something that's why we sit on our knees on the floor in front of them, to give them a little help. 

We have quite the squirrely crowd this year so on the stage I said everything from:

Do not give Indian burns to her!

Stop shoving her between you!

Don't pull her hair!

Don't lick that!

Get your hands out of your pants please....(As I am exiting the stage my dear sweet friend brought over the hand sanitizer.  It looked like you might need this...Even if you didn't touch him....It made me need some just watching!)

Ahhh!  The beauty of teaching a group of 70 kids from K-6 grade.  You never know what you are going to have to say.  I can always guarantee that I will have to say something that I never thought I would say!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Day 4....Is it nap time yet?

Day 3 and 4 are always the hardest to get through.  The week does feel like its flying by, but really I got home today and just wanted silence.  Don't get me wrong the kids were great today.  I had one incident of a child scowling at me.

Me:  Do you think that look is telling me something?
Boy: (Just a deeper scowl)
Me:  Ha!  All that tells me is that I am doing my job.
Boy:  (Surprised look, like really me giving you the evil eye isn't affecting you?)
Me:  I love my job. (evil grin and all)
Boy:  Started laughing. 

 Silly boy.  Sticks and stones can break my bones and words are potentially harmful but a look....Please..I earned that look and am proud to say that if you are mad at me after you were acting out and I called you on it,  I have officially done my job. 

Other than that we had one licking incident which I am very pleased to say was not my child!  Whoo Hoo!  The day was good!

Music and Drama Camp Day 3....They still think the boys are cute...

Yay!  More music less drama today.  Though I did miss my co-teacher, I have to say that I got the best teen helpers ever!  No one got kicked, licked, or hit today.  Whoo Hooo!  Its a good day!

Apparently yesterday wasn't as good as I was lead to believe due to a mayonnaise issue for Corbin.  Today I was asked what he would and would not eat.  Good call. 

Adam, I am told is the cutest kid ever!  I am so glad his teachers love him.  It makes it easier for me to teach and not worry about what he is doing....stabbing people with swords, taking a little nibble from behind, smacking them for being mean to one of his brothers.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Music and Drama Camp...Day Two

"Your boys are so quiet and focused."

Huh?  I think you have the wrong children.....Have you read my blog?

"Seriously, they are so good and sweet."

Seriously????  Are we talking about the same child I told could not lick, bite, or nibble his teen helper from yesterday?


Aliens again... They keep taking my children and replacing them with angels.  Then I get them home....and what do they do?  They turn the hose on and make mud in the back yard, trip each other in it and come screaming like banshees into the house.....  Yup...I've done my job, they are good everywhere but home where they shouldn't have to be on their best behavior after a day of being angels....We all have a little naughty side that has to be tamed on occasion...Me, I use kickboxing as my stress management.  Them, mud puddles.  Its all good.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Music and Drama Camp Day One

Every year we do a Music and Drama camp at church.  I have taught the last 7 years.  There have been so many changes in our lives, I was reluctant to teach this year....I was conned by the sweet ladies of the church who said the kids would miss my daily change of hair color and crazy stories.

Ahhh... Poor things didn't realize I have even crazier stories now and to top it off I have a claw to bring in on the festivities.  (Check out the Where are Claws Page on Facebook for pictures.)

I have to say today was a great day.  Exhausting.  I forget how much energy it takes to teach 18 8 and 9 year old's but with the right helpers (which I have) it is really a great experience.  I only had a few children I actually had to say something  I never thought I would have to say.

Corbin, you may not bite, chew or lick Emily.

Now you think I would only have to say this to my child as it seems to be the theme of my life to tell my children to stop licking and biting things.  Nope.  As we are standing in the corner of the church my friend and I look over and notice one of the children rigorously licking the bottom of his shoe.  I almost yelled over the music "STOP!!!!!"  He didn't stop and proceeded to investigate the bottom of his shoe and lick again.  By the time I got to him it was all I could do to hold my laughter inside and tell him to "stop licking the bottom of your shoe!"  It appears that this licking thing is not just occurring in my house but in many other houses too.  Good to know I'm not the only one with licking issues. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Super Heros, Aliens, and Demi Gods Oh My!

It's Friday!  Yay!!!!  Friday the 13th.  Not a bad day over all.  Only one bloody nose caused by a basketball to the face, one mention of not licking something, one occurrence of watching my friend wait for a fly to land in her trash can so she could take it out with her trash(I am not alone in my strange ways, I have friends...You should be afraid, very afraid!), oh and seeing The Amazing Spider Man. 

I asked the kids what they wanted to do today since normally we would have plans but today they were canceled.  I got all kinds of suggestions.  By the time they decided they wanted to go bowling we had already left the house to pick up some friends, and wouldn't you know it (God was on my side) there were no socks in the car.  So the decision of what to do was easy.  We shall got to the movies.  Corbin decided on Spider Man and all the big kids were happy.  After the decision was made one of the extra kids asks me:

Ms. Flamik, did you ever notice that none of the superheros are naturally hero's?  They are all genetically modified.

Me:  What about Thor?

He's an Alien.

Zach:  Noooooo get it right he's a Demi God.

Doesn't the church preach against other God's?

Zach:  (Big Sigh)  Hes not a God.  He only has powers like a God.  Really it's not an issue.  There is only one big God  how is he supposed to get stuff done without minions.(I think we need to have a conversation but somehow minions seem to be like angels only a more updated and ridiculous way of interpreting them.)

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Felix The Cat Has Moved On To The Chicken Coop In The Sky

Today I had to put our cat, Felix, down.  He had a tumor in his mouth that was infected and really not good.  The vet and their assistants were so nice and kind. I am ever grateful they did not try to sell me on some sort of cancer cure for a 14 year old outdoor cat.

My mom adopted Felix 14 years ago to keep her evil cat Demi company.  Within two years she found that not only did Demi not adjust to Felix, she attacked him every chance she got, but Felix sprayed the whole house every chance he got(Demi was just defending her masters house....No she was just being evil that's what she is.).  When she moved out of Gilroy my mom decided that Felix the cat had to go.  (read here sucker tattooed on my forehead)  I felt sorry for the cat so I said I would let him be an outdoor cat at my house but he would never come in for more than a jog from the back door to the garage when it was raining outside.  This is how he lived for the last twelve years.

Questions the vet was required to ask made me think people take this stuff very seriously.    "Do you want to be there with him?" No, no thank you. Do you see me? I have to go home and tell my boys who were crying before I left that their cat is dead, so no I do not need any more trauma in my life. I have seen my share of dead animals, I choose to skip it this time! "Do you want the ashes?" I am sorry now if offend someone, NO I don't want dead animal ashes in my house. What am I supposed to do with them?  My luck Corbin would break into them and dig around and bury stuff in them and then lick his fingers!   EEEEWWW! No thank you!   Go ahead and group cremate him and spread the ashes over the Sierras....Guess where the biggest pet cemetery in the world is?!  That's right the Sierra mountains, so the animals can be at one with nature.  YIKES!  Good think ashes can't become zombies!

When I got home, I gathered my boys up and we talked about Felix and told them that he was in heaven with Papa.  Adam who was crying before I left was kind of like "Oh, its okay then.  He's with Papa.  Its all good. Can we get another cat today?" (NOOOOOO!!!!!) Zach was upset but kind of looked at me like yeah you told me before you left..."Can I go play my video games now?"   Corbin was angry and upset.  As soon as Adam mentioned another cat he was all on board.  Again, NOOOO!
I was somewhat surprised about the reaction many of our friends and neighbors had to the news.  I mean really he was just a cat.  Apparently he was the neighborhoods cat not just our cat, which was good for him because I am not really good at showing pets affection.  So I paid for the food and vet bills and the neighbors and friends gave him the attention.  He was a good kitty.  He tolerated so many things and did so many things that made us laugh over the years.

He would roll in and out of the perimeter of the shock collar line to see if he could get the dog to shock herself.  (Smart cat!) Worked 9 times out of 10.

"Corbin!  Why did you throw the cat?"
"To see if he would land on his feet!"
"DON'T THROW THE CAT!"  He never scratched him, bit him or even hissed at him.  I would have!

Don't pick the cat up by his tail!

Felix! Don't lick my toes and then bite them!  Weird cat!

Don't lick the cat and bite him!

The neighbors added to that that if you told him to stay off the patio furniture he would.  One of the neighbors daughters would drag him by his back feet to where she wanted him to go and he would let her and hold still when she poked and pet him.  (Maybe not so smart...)

And my favorite and one of the many things I have blogged about in the last few months., "the garage smells like meatloaf."

Thankfully, my garage will not smell like meatloaf again any time soon.(I hope!  Please?!)  It would be very hard to replace a kitty who tolerated all that, poor kitty.  Good thing I don't have to!  :-)

Monday, July 9, 2012

Starbucks is Crack for kids.

On occasion, I have resorted to bribing my children with Starbucks when taking them shopping.  Today was one of those days.  My dear friend Jennifer texted me this afternoon to see if I would go look at home decorations with her.  We had nothing else going on so I said sure as long as you don't mind I have the little boys with me. 

Off we went to Target, Kohl's and Big Lots.  About half way through Target I told the boys that if they would behave I would get them a double chocolate chip frapachino.  (I just really like to say that....It just sounds like its really big.) 

Halfway through his drink Corbin decided he didn't want his anymore.  Adam said I'll take it for you!  This is why I have a picture of my small child walking through Big Lots double fisting Starbucks drinks.  I thought maybe he was going to hyperventilate from sucking so hard on both straws at the same time and starting to make silly noises.  At that moment I turned to Jen and said "Starbucks is like crack for kids!"  Of course the other part is, I again fed my children a large amount of sugar and the bouncing off the walls began!   Thank god for horseback riding!


My Zach has been gone for a week and then I was gone for 3 days and now he's gone again at a tennis tournament.  Which is great.  Except I miss the little brat.  Even when he informed me this morning that "Yeah, mom your a little crazy.....That's better than parents who are just strict and boring."  Backhanded compliments he is good at not unlike most preteens.

As he is leaving the house today his brothers start their normal routine of seeing who can punch who without mom seeing and giving them both a time out.  With a gleam in his eyes my 11 year old says,

"Good luck mom!"  and runs from the house like he's on fire. 

Maybe that's from the look of pure evil in my eyes as I looked at him and said, "Thanks!  I will get you!"  Oh the possibilities of things that will come for him.   How did he grow up so fast. I don't ask where he got his humor from anymore.  I just look in the mirror sigh and think of what my poor mother had to deal with when I was a child. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Tooth Bugs

As I am driving home from picking the boys up today Corbin asked for some candy.  Silly me I had Mamba's in the car.  I agreed and gave him and Adam a piece.  They don't last long so less than two minutes later I hear "can I have some more candy please?" 



The sugar bugs are going to eat your teeth if you have too much candy.

The sugar bugs?

Yes, the nasty little creatures that cause cavities in your mouth.

Oh!  Yeah!  They are definitely having a party in my mouth with all the sugar I have eaten in the last few days.  (Oh! Really?!)

That is why you have to brush them.

I think I'll let them finish their party and then brush them away.  It seems kinder that way.

(Did he really just say that?  Yup!)   Okay, but don't let them have too much of a party in there.

Or, I'll have to go to Smile Island Dentist again?


Okay, I'll cut their party short. ( I missed my boys!)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Shoe Shopping after a Day of Sugar=Bad Things

Our day started with the waking of my dear sweet Adam. 

Adam....Honey wake up....(nothing)
Adam..(rubbing his back, with my cold hands...hee hee, still nothing)
Adam...You want doughnuts?
YES!(then back to sleep.)
YES!(back to sleep again)
Adam, if you get up now we can go get doughnuts!
I'm up! (as he rolls himself over to find his brother and friend are video taping his waking to the promise of doughnuts.  Oh did that make him mad!)  He then rolled over on me and said silly mommy, get me doughnuts now please?

Off to Krispy Kream and our Granite Springs Church Youth Group Fundraiser.  Okay really it was a garage sale that was selling more doughnuts, coffee, hot dogs, and crap our lovely families from church didn't want anymore.  The boys had fun chasing down cars with doughnut boxes and Corbin actually stuck his face up to one window till they got out and bought doughnuts.  He's the salesman of the family.  (I really think they thought it was creepy and the best way to get the kid out of their window was to buy a doughnut.  Smart people.)  About two hours in we decided that the boys had had enough doughnuts and could go home knowing they sold their little hearts out.

Sugar is in their system.  Its running rampant.  Time for our next adventure, the SellState Realty First Carnival.  Let me just say that Joe and Marguerite know how to throw a party not just for the adults.  Adam did not want to leave their house, which is rare he always wants to go home.  There were water slides, bounce houses, dunk tank, swimming, BBQ, and sugar lots of sugar, cookies, snow cones, cotton candy, brownies and many other cupcake like treats.  Thank you so much for a great time....and all the sugar.....Half of which I did not actually watch them consume since it was so well hidden. 

You know when you go to a party and you expect your children to be exhausted because they have gone up and down huge water slides, been so cold that half their energy should have been sapped out from shivering, and have run around with the cutest dog ever.  Yeah, that doesn't work for my children who have no off switch and really just appear to get more and more energy as they spiral out of control.  What do I do?  I take them shopping.  In my defence, the xBox controller is junk and we needed a new one and I had promised to take them to GameStop.  That's what I did.  Then, Toys R Us.  The spiral continues.  But do I realize how bad it is getting?  Nope.  I get the bright idea to take them shoe shopping.

Nordstrom Rack will never be the same.  I'm surprised they didn't kick us out half way through, though I have to say it would have been over faster if I hadn't found a very nice pair of shoes that I needed for work....Really they are totally work related!  As we are waiting in line the nice lady in front of us says its fine that they are on the verge of knocking her on her bottom.  No worries honey, I have kids too.  Yeah...Not mine...As she turns around to see if they are calling her to a check out stand I watch in horror as my sweet doughnut boy leans over to take a little nibble out of the bottom of her jacket.

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Of course I grab him before he is able to make purchase into her flesh or the rest of her clothing.  To my amazement she doesn't even notice she's been bitten by the vampire child.  But in the back of her jacket are little half crescent wet marks. 

Adam!  (note this is the second time this month I have told him he cannot bite the people who are in front of us in line.  The first time was at Sun Splash and he bit the backpack of the child who was standing in line in front of us.  Again no damage but little half moon marks.)  YOU CANNOT BITE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!  EVER!!!  We don't bite!

The message to his father who was having one of those days was this:

Adam just bit the woman in line in front of us.  I think I win.  But you have my sympathies.  Want me to make up a catastrophe?

No......its ok.  You win.

It was kinda funny.

Note to self.......Do not take children shoe shopping after large amounts of sugar and high fructose corn syrup have been consumed.  Results may vary and include biting of fellow patrons.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


No one can ever say I was not open and frank with my children about words they have heard on the play ground.  I have been told by one of my son's friends that I lap book curse words with them.  Where did he get that from oh that's right the F word.

Zach came home with the F word and asked me what it meant.  So being who I am I went to the Internet found a 30 page dissertation on wikipida on the word, printed it and started reading it with Zach.  About 5 pages in Zach stopped me and said " Mom, if I promise to never say that word, can we stop now?"  If I hear that word from his mouth we will start at the beginning of that paper again.
I digress....

The other day we went to the doctor for his check up and for a physical to be done so he can go to boy scout camp.

I started asking him the questions on the questionnaire:
Any changes in your life?

Not that I want to tell them.

Have we talked about puberty?

(Rolling his eyes with a little fear in them.)  Mom, if I say yes will you not go into detail about that stuff? (guess I'm a little too open, oh and when he came home with the word sex I did get his father to run from the room bright red.  What?  I just opened the anatomy books and we did a little unit study.)

Okay then, Do I limit your screen time?

Just say yes.  It's not like I don't go outside.  Look at my skin.

Yeah that boy is all mine. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Revenge of the Bacon

Here's a text message I never ever thought I would send.  Especially to another mother, thank god for her sense of humor.

FYI your son just tried to choke to death on bacon.  He is alive and well  a little shaken and there are many pig revenge jokes flying around the table, no sympathy here.

The boys are all sitting down for breakfast and I have two extras here.  One of them stands up and points to his throat, then coughs a little and says, "I'm choking"  I move him toward the sink as he is gagging too and I'd rather he throw up somewhere easy to clean up.  I know from training that as long as he is coughing and talking he has air.  I'm not that cold hearted.  I start pounding the poor guys back and he is hacking up the bacon in my sink and after the bacon was dislodged I hear from the table(they had to make sure he was going to live before they started cracking jokes, so kind of them):

Poor guy, he was minding his own business when that bacon decided to jump down his throat for killing all the pigs on mine craft.

Yeah!  Revenge of the pigs!(I keep having revenge of the nerds running through my mind except with little pigs in glasses)

I'm not eating bacon any more those pigs are mean.

So I made toast and I now fear that the poor kid will have a revenge of the bacon fear for the rest of his life.  Well, I guess that's something to talk about in therapy later in life.

An icy morning

I woke up this morning with two extra boys in my house.  When we have big sleepovers I always know two things one, I'm going to hear something that will make me laugh and two I'm going to have to make a bigger breakfast than normal. 


Ms. Flamik

Yes love?

When I woke up this morning I saw Corbin putting ice on Zach's head.

Really? (Where does he get this stuff?  Really?  Why is he putting ice on his brothers head? I hope I'm not next to wake up that way....That won't be a pretty day.)


Did he tell you why........?

He said he didn't want the ice anymore.



Don't put ice on your brothers head to wake him up.

Okay mom. (You know I should have made that a broader statement to avoid having others woken with the same tender loving care.)

Sunday, June 17, 2012


Trolling.....What is trolling?  Well according to the 11 year old it is the typing of trolling over and over and over again and texting or skyping it to someone.  This is the definition of trolling. 

The boys Grandma came to visit this week and when she came with their dad to drop them off we started talking about computers.  Now, my boys spend a bit of time on the computer playing mine craft and skyping each other or trolling friends.  So as we are discussing computers the following is what happens.....

Z:  Grandma you are never on skype!

G:  Yes I am but I keep getting these long messages I don't understand. 

Me:  Grandma what do they say?

G: T something.

Me:  Zach!  Did you troll Grandma?

Z:  Up....Over and over and over again.

Me:  Nice!  (with a high five for him being so silly)

G:  I don't understand this.  Why is he sending me these messages?

Z:  To get your attention!

Me:  To annoy you into a response.

G:  You are going to have to teach me how to delete those.

Z:  What would the fun in that be?

Me:  Laughing...just laughing...I can't help it that kid cracks me up.  Where in the world did he get that naughty sense of humor......Really don't look at me.  ROFLOL!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The washing machine is not a rock tumbler

Three boys.....
Pockets in their clothes......
Rocks in their pockets........Nope.....

Why are there rocks in the washing machine?

A:  I don't know......(Zach's not here so he didn't do it.)

C:  I wanted to make them shiny.

Corbin.  The washing machine is not a rock polisher or tumbler.

C:  Well it does make them clean mom.

Sigh.....How to beat a seven year old's logic.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Who gave the children all the sugar? Oh Grandmother.....

This is a day of too much sugar.  My sweet mother came over to wish my oldest a fun trip and with her came two dozen Krispy Kream doughnuts.....Warm.....I even had one and I don't like doughnuts...To many months working in a bakery cleaning out the doughnut cabinet.  I was able to donate 1 dozen to the family who was going on the trip with my oldest this morning.  The second dozen I left at the house thinking, falsely, that my mother would not let the small children eat a dozen doughnuts.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!   What, What, What was I thinking?????

I got home from working and what did I find?  3 children, my two little ones, and the one I watch on occasion.  I was informed that they had each had only two doughnuts.  When I looked in the box there were only 3 left.......Can we do the math together?  2 doughnuts per child so that's 2 times 3......there should be 6 doughnuts left in the box right?  Hummmmm and my mother does not eat doughnuts....Ever.  So I must assume that when she was not looking the monsters each either had one more or the older two had one and a half more or one had like 5 doughnuts to himself.  The product of all that sugar consumption.....The following is what has occurred in the house with that much sugar in their system.

6 fist fights and wrestling matches = 6 time outs
5 licking incedents
       a.  Don't lick your brother!
       b.  Don't lick me!
       c.  Don't chew the bed!
       d.  Don't lick the dog!
       e.  Do not lick my computer!!!!!
4 times of me saying don't kill your brother.
3 issues of mommying me to the brink of insanity......Example:

Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!
What????  I have answered you every time!  What do you want?
Put Draw Something on my iPod please!
Okay.(stupid me!  Who is going to play Draw Something with the 4 year old who doesn't care what the word is he just wants to draw and make you guess using the words that you are given.  Good thing I have a lot of bombs!)
Take your turn!!!
I did! 
Do it again!(This went on longer than I want to type.)

Me:  Corbin go get a tissue

C:  We are out and I was playing Eni Meni Miney Mo with the doughnuts.  The chocolate one lost so I was going to attack it!

Me:  Poor doughnut.  No more doughnutsssssss......(As I see he has already attacked the doughnut while I was playing draw something with Adam.  Crap)  The evil in me(and maybe the sugar) made me do the next thing.  I texted their father and told him he had to download the game so A could play with him.  ROFLOL That fixed the me not seeing what they were doing. 

I think I will beg my mother to never bring doughnuts to the house in mass quantities again unless we are having a party.  (It won't work but its worth a try!)

And its still early!

Appearances can be Deceiving

This morning I saw the oldest monster off with his friends on a grand adventure.  As the oldest of the other family was describing how one of her friends keeps pinching her pressure points we all turned to my oldest and said:

"Hey Zach, can you help B stop this kid from hurting her all the time?  Know any pressure points that will just stop him?"

Does my child say a thing?  No.  He immediately moves his hand to the back of his friends neck and suddenly the child is bent over almost on the ground. 

"He moved like a snake.  One second he looks all mellow and sweet, the next, BAM!  He kinda sacred me."

Then he proceeds to tell us all the different points you can put someone on the ground with.

Me: Where did you learn all that?

Z:  Karate mom.  (With an expression on his face of  "duhhh, you know I go like 6 times a week and I do have a Jr. Blackbelt freak!") 

Me:  Oh.....Yeah....

Z:  Oh and I have been learning a move if done correctly will kill someone.

Friend:  Don't use that on anyone here okay.

Z:  Yeah I won't.

Careful he looks cute and all but apparently he might be a little deadly.  Thanks Mr. Nunez at Marinobles Granite Bay.