Mom, you look sick.

This morning I woke up with Allergies and Asthma.  I sounded, according to one of my favorite people, "like a guy".  Thanks, thanks a lot.  After I got the news I sounded sick and manly then I got this from my oldest monster:

Zach:  Mom, you don't just sound sick, you look sick.

Me:  I don't feel sick.

Zach:  Yeah, well you look it.  Your eyes are all red and groggy looking.

Me: Thanks a lot brat.

Zach:  Well, maybe you aren't sick you just haven't had any coffee yet.  Yeah that's it, no coffee makes mommy look, sound and act bad but not feel bad.

Well, at least he's learning early the signs and symptoms of caffeine deprivation.

I am not the only one who has to say strange things to their kids.

Over the last few days I have received a few text messages reminding me that girls can be just as bad as boys and I am not the only mom who has to say ridiculous things to my children.

For example I got a text from one of my dear friends the other day that went like this:

F: Blog this:
 Daughter 2 says to Daughter 1: Can I pick your scab?
D1: No! If you do I will squeeze your nipple!
F: Do not pick any ones scabs or squeeze any ones nipples!

Easier for me to blog and save the innocent and expose that hysterical conversation.  Really who picks other scabs!  I will just be grateful Corbin wasn't in the car with them or he would be trying to pick the scab from the burn I sustained while baking cookies. 

Example 2:

Daughter 3 says to another friend:
"I'm gunna color Elmo's balls pink"

(Elmo is playing with marbles.)

So I will be thankful that I am not alone, that I can blog to let out others conversations and give everyone a good giggle and I will keep looking for the laughter in everyday occurrence's.  The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache!

Merry Barf-Mas!

Never a dull moment in our household.

Yesterday I got an almost gleeful text from Zach, who still had a sleepover hangover from his birthday party that went something like this:

Corbin's not feeling so well.

Me:  What's wrong with him?

Z: He just puked. :-)

Me:  Darn it!

Z:  We were in the car.

Me: Oh yuck.

Z:  We are going back to dads house now.

Me: Okay then.

Z:  I'm glad I'm sitting in the Back

Me:  Nice.

Then I hear from his dad.

Corbin puked in the car.

Me:  Sorry.  He was fine when I dropped him off.

D:  Yeah, I took it seriously when the puke hit the back of my neck in the drivers seat.

Me:  I'm sorry there is no way I cannot laugh at that, excuse me for a moment while I regain my composure.  Never mind composure is not going to come back. (I laughed so hard I started crying.)

D:  Yeah...I got that...Thanks.

Me:  Well, Merry Barf-mas!  (Hey, I got to deal with the puking all morning long so fair is fair.)

Corbin is feeling better now.  He got up after a little rest and started putting his Lego's together and eating skittles.  Could be worse at least now his puke won't taste as bad and he'll barf up a rainbow!

I need an elf reminder.

You know all the traditions people pass on to you like they are so wonderful.  Well, I have to say that next time I think I will pass.  Being a single parent makes all these traditions a little more difficult to make happen. What am I talking about? The Elf on the Shelf.  I hate the Elf. I can't remember to move him every night, you would think its just a little Elf how hard could it be?

Hard enough that even though I am writing about what the boys dad calls the "little nark", I won't move him tonight either.  He will remain on the picture in the hallway till I put him away, maybe if I remember on Christmas day.

I need a reminder put on my phone that goes off at 9:30pm every night to remind me to move the little bugger before the kids think that they are really bad.  You know in the story it says he won't go back to Santa at night if they are naughty(okay so I added that part one year when they were being really naughty).  If they weren't already in therapy I'd say this would be another cause for therapy later in life, but since they have already been in therapy that will just extend my bills.

Cookies, Cookies Everywhere!?

The other day I was talking with my mom and the conversation turned to cookies as it does most years around this time. 

Mom:  I really want to make some cookies but I don't want to eat any and I don't want them at my house.

Me:  Okay. (Do I tell her I planned on making some cookies or do I say no way we are so not doing that!)  Well I was planning on making a few this year but probably not more than 5 different kinds.(I'm a sucker!)

Mom:  Okay great!  I will go to the store and get all the stuff you will need and start today!

Me:  Mom, I have all the stuff I need.

Mom:  No, you don't.

Me: Yes mom, okay. (I have learned over the years its easier not to fight her and just go with whatever it is she wants to do and clean up later.)

I got home from my clients that day and found 3 things. 

1.  My kitchen was destroyed to the point I though I might need a shop vac to clean it up.
2.  My mother had finished 3 types of cookies cooked all the way.
3.  She left 12 cookie dough packages in my fridge, ready and waiting to be baked whenever I was.....

Today, I got through 3 different types.  I baked over 150 cookies today, burned my arm once, and now I have to clean my kitchen again.  Can I go to bed now?

Mom...You look like an Elf.

This is what I get for trying to help someone out.  I took my mom to go get her base make up color changed...Well I told her we were going to get mine changed which I did too but that's besides the fact.  So, I got the whole make up thing done. When I got home the boys dad was at the house watching them and he looked at me funny, apparently deciding that it was a better choice to keep his mouth shut than to say anything....Good choice.  Then the almost twelve year old arrived home from Roseville Theater Arts Academy (like the plug for our favorite theater company?  Wait till you see the one for our karate studio (Marinoble's Granite Bay) your gonna love it!) and he looked at me for a few seconds:

Mom?

Yes Zach.

What did you do to your face?

What do you mean? I just have make up on.

Then his dad chimed in with "Yeah, I thought that looked like a lot of make up for you.  You don't need that much." (Oh did he save his silly self from a wrath by adding that last line.)

No, mom (laughing) you look like an elf!

Whatever!

Here's the picture he took....You judge....am I me or am I an elf...Brings up the Muppet's movie song to me "Am I a man or am I a Muppet."  Okay, I know I think I have watched that movie one too many times since its been on Stars on demand for the last month.

Oh and don't judge my by my crazy refrigerator.

I was just looking to help the sick child to rest easy.

The other day I was in Sunflowers looking for a benydryl type substance to help my littest guy with his cold and help him getting so sleep. 

I found this:

Hey how can you go wrong with "Quiet Time" for kids???  Really! Isn't that what every parent desires after a long day?

Don't worry the "organic gluten-free alcohol of 10% is really good for them....Don't you remember your parents feeding you homemade brandy on the occasion that you had driven them so crazy it was that or they were going to throw you from the second story of your house.....No?  Must have just been my house.